Wednesday, 6 January 2016

Kendall Jenner Can’t Date Taylor Swift’s Ex Harry Styles—That’s Just, Like, the Rules of Feminism

This New Year’s Eve, Kendall Jenner revealed every powerful girl squad’s Achilles’ heel: boys. More specifically, boys with tattoos, accents, a gift for harmonizing and a certain joie de vivre. 

As a conscientious, news-reading citizen, you’re probably aware that while you were desperately hitting up Tinder for a midnight booty kiss, great-looking “couple” Kendall Jenner and Harry Styles were re-debuting their relationship aboard a Caribbean yacht. Jenner, Styles, and their striking bone structures had dinner together Dec. 29, then headed to St. Barts for some caught-on-camera nuzzling (what our esteemed colleagues over at ET Online refer to as a “steamy lip-lock”).

Unless you have a Google alert set for #squad drama, it would be easy to file this fling under “hot young people fooling around for fun” and forget about it. But you know who never forgets anything? Taylor fucking Swift. That girl might have the body of a giraffe on a juice cleanse, but she has the memory of an elephant (and the belly button of an animal that doesn’t have a belly button).
Kendall Jenner Can’t Date Taylor Swift’s Ex Harry Styles—That’s Just, Like, the Rules of Feminism
You don’t have to tell Swift that Jenner and Styles might be dating again—because she already knows, and it’s “beyond weird” to her—and you definitely don’t have to remind her that she and Styles had their own fling, starting in 2012 and ending in January of 2013. Sure, Jenner and Styles were linked for a few months back in late 2013 and early 2014, but that was before Swift got serious about her close-knit, photogenic, gluten-free, female friend group.

In this post-“Bad Blood” era, you’re either with Tay Tay or against her—so the potential defection of an OG squad member like Jenner has got to hurt. If there’s one rule in Swift-ville (In addition to mandatory weigh-ins and wearing pink on Wednesdays), it’s respecting Swift’s dibs. Taylor has designed a masterful, yet fragile house of cards composed of beautiful, famous Eskimo sisters; choosing sex with a Swift ex over sleepovers with Swift simply isn’t done—that’s just like, the rules of feminism.

If you’re skeptical that Swift would really give a shit about a short-lived relationship that ended approximately three years ago, don’t be. Swift gives about 5 million shits about Harry Styles. Look no further than her new music video for “Out of the Woods,” which Swift coincidentally dropped on New Year’s Eve. The latest single from 1989 “Out of the Woods” references numerous Haylor milestones, like the snowmobile accident the celebrity couple got in together, and an ethereal blue dress that resembles the infamous outfit Taylor wore as she left a vacation with Harry Styles alone after an “almighty row.”

Even more convincingly, the lyrics of “Out of the Woods” cite Styles’ paper airplane necklace, which Swift was spotted wearing around the genesis of Haylor. In the video, Swift angrily rips off the necklace, proving that while Swift might be technically done with her old relationship, you still wouldn’t want to meet her in a dark alley (especially if you’re Kendall Jenner and Harry Styles, and really tan from your recent romantic getaway in St. Barts).

Basically, what we’ve got here is a potential fissure in the girl squad. Naturally, the Kardashians are over the moon about the high-profile “relationship,” with sources citing both momager Kris Jenner and lil’ sis Kylie Jenner’s emphatic approval. According to said sources, Kylie hopes that Kendall’s new beau will distract her from Tyga-triggered jealously issues, while Kris “adores Harry and has never seen Kendall happier.” So while Kendall will doubtlessly have to face Swift’s wrath (as well as the inevitable disappointment of “Kendall Jenner is a lesbian,” at least No. 1 Kardashian Kylie is on board.